I Once Thought ‘Conversion’ Was the Only Way Out — A Survivor Speaks

Thomas (pseudonym) prefers not to use his real name or face. After two years of having said goodbye to “conversion,” he can now speak of it with even a touch of dry humour. He coined his own phrase for it — “anti-frizz treatment” — “you know, like straightening hair, a wry joke, because it might not work, and even if it does it could curl back.”

At twenty-six, between January 2018 and November 2020, he went to two organisations seeking what was called “psychological counselling” but was in fact “conversion.” Even worried about being doxxed, he chose to step forward and share his story: “Being able to tell my own experience means I see myself being seen. Not many are willing to share these stories — different people make different choices — but I wanted to contribute something to this community.”

Once Thought “Conversion” Was the Only Way Out

“Looking back I’d say it was absurd — but the question is, why did I do this back then?” After time, Thomas reflects on why he sought “conversion therapy” with candour: at the time, he sought it of his own will. “I really did want to be ‘fixed.’ I had a tendency toward self-conversion because I thought being gay was really not good.”

He was not close to his family; he never discussed his orientation with them directly, though their language made it clear they had guessed: “Subtle hints — like saying it was abnormal not to date a girl.” In secondary school, classmates who came out were “ostracised, friendless, becoming more solitary.” He, not out, was just as isolated. “I knew my orientation from junior secondary; the older I got, the more isolated I felt — because I felt different from others, I was always comparing. I felt heterosexuals had it better than gays — they have families, they’re accepted, there was no future for gay people. Beyond being mocked, I couldn’t think of any advantage.”

In a society, school, and family that offered nowhere safe to be himself, there was no true self, no real self-acceptance — “really, it was almost impossible.” His normal rhythm started to break when a friend brought him to church. Although he knew traditional churches opposed LGBTQ+ issues, his desire for the church’s acceptance did not change. “At the time I had few friends, my family relationship was poor — church gave me a safe environment to be with people.” Looking back, he describes himself as a “double person” — “inside I was gay, but my behaviour was straight; I would deliberately tell others I was straight.” He saw being gay as shameful; guilt fermented; he felt “irredeemable.” Only one thought remained — to tear off the gay identity. The only path he could see was to “convert,” to make conversion his redemption. He knew many people had abandoned faith over orientation. He resolved not to go that way.

Falling Into a Self-Condemnation Loop. The Counsellor’s Self-Deception.

The counsellor directly told Thomas that same-sex sexual acts were sin — that he had to acknowledge this before counselling could begin. “Because the Bible says God blesses one-man-one-woman marriage. If I marry a man, I would not be blessed by God. You think — why? Does God really think this way?” He recounts the tug-of-war calmly, but here he sighs.

At each session, the counsellor would ask: “Have the temptations of desire increased?” “Do well, you get praised; do badly, you feel guilty — as if you’ve done wrong. The process made me more hateful of myself.” During that time he considered suicide. “I felt desperate. It was hard to accept myself; I couldn’t see a way out.”

Thomas says the conversion organisation promoted “Holy Sexual Love” — disallowing any sexual relationship outside one-man-one-woman marriage. He calls the binary view “horrifying.”

Thomas brought along several books recommended by the counsellor — including the sky-blue *Walking with Yourself in the Past: A Former Homosexual’s Spiritual Notes*, written by an “ex-gay” claiming to have changed orientation. Thomas tried to follow the author — reading a page a day, hoping it might really change his orientation. But he could not.